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2010年5月商务英语BEC初级作文点评

http://en.eol.cn  来源:  作者:网络  2013-06-26    

 

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  本期作文题目:
  You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.
  Write a memo of 40-50 words:
  informing staff of the shutdown
  telling them when it will happen
  asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.

  老师提示:
  商务写作中遵循的原则是:简洁,精确,礼貌。在考试中或者工作中,格式基本已经 给出,所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当,一针见血,语法正确,不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作,所以在句子选择 上可以适当放宽,不必太正式。

  网友作文一:
  MEMORANDUM
  from : Tom TO : all staff
  date : 25/8
  Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .
  I think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]
  TOM

  名师修改意见:
  [1]Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构,看起来不够专业,改为:As we plan to upgrade.....
  [2]有中式英文的痕迹:我要求你们。。。。改为:please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.
  [3]这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.

  网友作文二:
  From: office manager
  To: all staff
  Subject: the company system
  I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]
  Thank you.[5]

  名师修改意见:
  [1]去掉这个开头,直接用被动语态开头。
  [2]去掉,多余了。
  [3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚,那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。
  [4]这句话看起来非常不清楚,主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成:please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.
  [5]另换一行

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